Little did I know when I tuned in for my nightly hippie-fest, a.k.a., the Democratic National Convention, that I would also be lambasted by feminists.

I turned on while Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano was speaking and, I must admit, to the untrained ear, she gave a good speech. She spoke to the ignorant masses and she did it well. She spoke in a way that has become so commonplace among Democrats nowadays, in which the speaker appeals to the “common man,” and how the government will save us all from our ills. Cleverly, Napolitano spoke often of “rewards for hard work,” attempting, I’m sure, to lure in those of us who are naturally skeptical of the Democratic platform. Many, I’m sure, fell for it. I didn’t.

Nancy Floyd, founder of Nth Power in Portland, OR, was another Chick Speaker I had the “pleasure” of hearing. I actually laughed out loud when she said that Barack Obama “has a comprehensive energy plan that will get us off of foreign oil, will stop global warming, and will create millions of new jobs in the United States.” Apparently, Barack Obama will also be able to cure cancer, end global poverty, and make my poop not stink. The man is a miracle worker! Oh, and if I had been able to play the Barack Obama drinking game, I would have already passed out by now.

Kathleen Sebelius, Governor of Kansas, made it clear how much we should hate rich people. She also invoked the name of Abraham Lincoln, without really invoking the name of Abraham Lincoln, as an example of a President who went against the status quo of “divisive politics.” Allow me to point out that this was the only President in the US to invade his own country! Yeah, we want another one of those guys in the White House…

Somehow a dude ended up on the agenda next, I suppose simply by virtue of being the former Mayor of Denver.

Wait! Another reference to John Kennedy! Maybe we need to start a new drinking game: every time a speaker mentions John F. Kennedy, chug a beer; if he/she also mentions the moon, funnel two beers!

What I find terribly interesting is how each and every speaker is attacking John McCain as if he’s the only guy other guy on the ticket. Look, you don’t have to convince me that John McCain is more of the same – I’m not gonna vote for him, either. I suppose it’s easier to stick with the old two-party system, but insulting the other guy on the ticket that I already don’t like isn’t doing a thing for you…

Look, I’ve watched about all I can take. I’m going to turn on a bit of “The Bourne Ultimatum,” drink some herbal tea, and try and forget the idiocy I’ve spent the last hour or so listening to. Find a happy place, find a happy place…

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